the journey has begun
It's Monday, July 17, 2006. Fifteen weeks ago today, on Monday April 3, my 14 year old son Bryant died by suicide. It has only been recently that I have accepted the word "suicide." In the initial weeks after it happened I chose to use the words, " He strangled himself." We have many reasons to believe it was an accident, but the fact remains, whether by accident or full intention, Bryant killed himself. My life was forever changed. I have a strong faith in God. My family ( husband, 17 yo son, 3 yo daughter, & 15 mo son) is part of a good local church and we have a large support system of family and friends. These two things, our faith and our faith family have been anchors for us during the most horrible and painful time of our lives.
I have journalled most of my life. I'm hoping to be able to share and process the stages of my loss here on the pages of this blog. It's been 15 weeks, that's 105 days. I know people still care. But life has gone on. My mom died in 2000, my only brother died suddenly of a heart attack in 1990. But this is totally new and uncharted territory for me and my family, the loss of a child by his own hands. We've done a bit of professional counseling. I've read a small mountain of books. But we don't really know what to expect. And I know my friends and family are at a loss too. I hope to share, to help our healing, and maybe to somehow help prevent this from happening in another family.
Today I feel a measure of joy. I don't want my blog to be a sad, doom and gloom kinda place. We are Holy Bible believing followers of Jesus Christ. My son had a saving faith in Jesus and I know I will see him again one day in Heaven. This has been the worst of times for us but in many ways it has also been the best of times. Through this tragedy we have seen, felt and known the love of God in the most AMAZING ways. These past 105 days have been awful, just awful, but at the same time God has never left us or forgotten us. He has rocked us in His arms, wiped away our tears, filled our empty spaces, and touched our broken hearts.
I think the first month or so after Bryant's death I was so caught up in the love of God that people must have thought I was crazy. I did have a friend ask me what medication I was taking. ( I haven't taken any medications.) I had such peace. But the counselor told me ( and the books too) that there is usually a big bump at 3 months. And sure enough around week 12 I hit it. And it was hard. I wanted to scream all the time. And I didn't feel free to share with anyone. I tried to keep the screams down with comfort foods. ( Not a good coping choice.) I eventually had to face the pain all over again and go back to the Great Physician for a follow up. I want to somehow describe this journey. And I want to be upbeat. But most of all I want to be honest. Honest and candid and free to share me.
Here's an entry from my hardback journal from a few days ago.
Bryant , can you see me?
Can you see me crying...
Outside and in
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me crying and wondering
Why? Why did you have to leave
In this time and in this way?
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me asking why, oh why...?
And what did I miss?
What on earth were you thinking?
And what were you going through?
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me wishing and wishing and
Wishing...
That we had another day...
To talk, Oh I would listen
And hear you...
You wouldn't feel lost in the shuffle.
You'd have me all to yourself
And be assured that you mattered...
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you hear my heart screaming...
NO! NO! NO! Please God, NO!
This is too much to bear...
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me crying and praying
and drawing near to The Savior,
Else surely I too would die
From the heartbreak and the crying
In my soul that will not cease...
Till that blessed day
When once again we meet... on the other side.
So until then, dear one
Son of mine for whom I cry
Hold my tears in a bottle
Hold them close and know
I love you
More than you ever knew
I love you
And every day for you I cry.
It's a little sad but this is where I was on Friday night. But I really do feel a measure of joy and peace today. I'll be back to write more soon.
I have journalled most of my life. I'm hoping to be able to share and process the stages of my loss here on the pages of this blog. It's been 15 weeks, that's 105 days. I know people still care. But life has gone on. My mom died in 2000, my only brother died suddenly of a heart attack in 1990. But this is totally new and uncharted territory for me and my family, the loss of a child by his own hands. We've done a bit of professional counseling. I've read a small mountain of books. But we don't really know what to expect. And I know my friends and family are at a loss too. I hope to share, to help our healing, and maybe to somehow help prevent this from happening in another family.
Today I feel a measure of joy. I don't want my blog to be a sad, doom and gloom kinda place. We are Holy Bible believing followers of Jesus Christ. My son had a saving faith in Jesus and I know I will see him again one day in Heaven. This has been the worst of times for us but in many ways it has also been the best of times. Through this tragedy we have seen, felt and known the love of God in the most AMAZING ways. These past 105 days have been awful, just awful, but at the same time God has never left us or forgotten us. He has rocked us in His arms, wiped away our tears, filled our empty spaces, and touched our broken hearts.
I think the first month or so after Bryant's death I was so caught up in the love of God that people must have thought I was crazy. I did have a friend ask me what medication I was taking. ( I haven't taken any medications.) I had such peace. But the counselor told me ( and the books too) that there is usually a big bump at 3 months. And sure enough around week 12 I hit it. And it was hard. I wanted to scream all the time. And I didn't feel free to share with anyone. I tried to keep the screams down with comfort foods. ( Not a good coping choice.) I eventually had to face the pain all over again and go back to the Great Physician for a follow up. I want to somehow describe this journey. And I want to be upbeat. But most of all I want to be honest. Honest and candid and free to share me.
Here's an entry from my hardback journal from a few days ago.
Bryant , can you see me?
Can you see me crying...
Outside and in
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me crying and wondering
Why? Why did you have to leave
In this time and in this way?
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me asking why, oh why...?
And what did I miss?
What on earth were you thinking?
And what were you going through?
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me wishing and wishing and
Wishing...
That we had another day...
To talk, Oh I would listen
And hear you...
You wouldn't feel lost in the shuffle.
You'd have me all to yourself
And be assured that you mattered...
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you hear my heart screaming...
NO! NO! NO! Please God, NO!
This is too much to bear...
Can you see me crying for you?
Can you see me crying and praying
and drawing near to The Savior,
Else surely I too would die
From the heartbreak and the crying
In my soul that will not cease...
Till that blessed day
When once again we meet... on the other side.
So until then, dear one
Son of mine for whom I cry
Hold my tears in a bottle
Hold them close and know
I love you
More than you ever knew
I love you
And every day for you I cry.
It's a little sad but this is where I was on Friday night. But I really do feel a measure of joy and peace today. I'll be back to write more soon.
posted by BigT's Butterfly | 10:35 AM
10 Comments:
Sharmayn, what a beautiful page. Beautiful to my eye as well as to my soul. To see your family's pain and God's love and grace mingled so graciously is a blessing to me. Please continue to "write it out" as God pours in. And remember His love Reigns supreme.
Sis
Of course I'm crying now by the honesty in those words. I can't explain the fog I've been in. Yet my fog is surely just a mist in comparison to what you go through every day. I just pray....and pray....and pray! There are absolutely no words..............
I LOVE YOU!
Hermena
Shar, It's your "twin soul"--(Janice)!I feel so honored and blessed that I was put on your list to share in your beautiful journal about your beloved Bryant! (I hope you don't mind, I sent it to Natalie and Katie, too!). I am so glad you are, not only journaling, but SHARING your thoughts, prayers and innermost feelings.Your know what? Besides giving a place for your thoughts your words in your journal will help someone else: someone else in pain and someone else who is hurting. Maybe someone whose faith isn't as strong as yours who needs to read your witness of God's grace and sufficency. I echo Willadean's words that your your words are a blessing to me, too! (And, ironically, you began your journal on a special day for me. My birthday, July 17!)
I love you, my most precious sweet and loving friend! Keep writing--it's a blessing to me and to many!
I love you--- Janice Fry xxoo <><
Psalm 63
What a wonderful witness and testimony of the faithfulness of the Mighty God that we serve! Thank you for sharing your joy in Him during such a time of tribulation. You continue on as Abraham did, keep trusting in the promises of God. You are bringing new life to so many, including myself. Thank you so much for sharing.
I Love You and trust that God will continue to bless you with much love, joy and peace during this time of longsuffering-may kindness, gentleness and faithfulness continue to flow through you and to you as you continue on this journey with humbleness of spirit and selfcontrol of emotion.Gal 5:22,23
GOD BLESS YOU Mighty Woman of God,
Carlissa
Sharmayn, I can't even imagine what emotions you have been going through. I know that through our suffering God is doing a mighty work. I know He is doing one in you now. To publicly voice those emotions must be terribly hard and then extremely freeing all at the same time. Continue to let God make you strong, I am praying for you and I love you dearly!!!!
Karen Booker
Ecc. 3:1-8
Sharmayn,
In your healing we are finding our own. Thank you sharing your heart and God's with us. One of my favorite Fred Hammond's song says,
"Perfect and true,
pure in all your ways,
Oh Lord, there is no one like you, no one like you.
And all these things keep me in awe of you,
but I'm overwhelmed that you would call me friend."
Isn't it awesome that even in the hardest of times he calls you friend (and me too :)
With love,
Jewell
I am a friend of Angenell's. You and I have talked briefly on the telephone about Covenant College (where both of our children graduated from college) and we met at their "wedding vows renewal service" back last November. My husband is the PCA pastor here in Demopolis, AL. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you have been on our personal prayer list every since Bryant's death. WE shall continue to pray and can see from your blog that God indeed hears his children and answers. I realize that you have probably already read more books than you care to list, but I would like to suggest one more to you. It is by a PCA pastor's wife who lost their son at a young age as well. I am cutting and pasting the information to you here. The title of the book is Treasures of Darkness and is by Sharon Betters. I will indeed share your blog with others who are suffering loss. Thanks for sharing your treasures of encouragement through your grief and pain (and your suffering). I am thankful for the opportunity to know you better, my sister in Christ, through this blog. Here is the information on that book:
Description: An intimate account of the author's struggle with anger, grief, and faith after her teenage son's death. "In twenty years of women's ministry I have never read such a compelling, painfully real, transparent perspective on grief.... Do you know of someone struggling with grief and loss? This treasure needs to be the first gift you place in their hands." Tammy Maltby, co-host of Aspiring Women and author of 'Lifegiving'. "...Sharon squarely faces personal pain and tenderly offers the realities of faith to provide a journey to hope even through our darkest nights." Bryan Chapell, Covenant Theological Seminary.
Thanks for sharing with us, thanks for opening up your life to all of us, inviting us and making us comfortable. Yeah, I know if I want something in the kitchen I have to get it myself cause we're family.
Thats what your blog is - an opportunity for us to sup with you. Somedays it's the finest meats and some days it's leftovers. Somedays its bitter and some days it's sweet. But it is always true and always served with love.
Thank you for trusting us enough to walk with you. Thank you for Trusting God enough to give you the courage to laugh and cry and share. Continue to let Him carry you.
Love,
Becca
Sharmayn as one or your dearest friends, I cannot even began to know the loss of a child. Over the years we have been through some trying times, (your mother passing, my mother passing, your brother passing, and now Bryan). It is only by God's grace that we are able to go forward. I think that this is so wonderful that you are able to share with everyone your feelings and innermost thoughts about your child. I won't tell you not to grieve, because that is part of the healing process. You can always keep Bryan in your heart, that way he is with you everyday. May God continue to bless you and your family. Bonita Threatt-Bothwell
Sharmayn, I adore you. Your journal is truly beautiful. I thank God for your honesty and strength. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But, I stand an awe of your faith and tenderness as you make your attitude that of Christ. You and your family are blessed! I adore you. Continue in all things to welcome the Word of God with joy.
Love, Sabrina
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