Saying Goodbye to Bryant, Joy for the Journey

Some thoughts on the road of healing after the loss of my 14 year old son by suicide

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Wife... Mother... Lover of Jesus... Freedom Writer!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Pitchin' a fit

I am currently in the process of night weaning my 16 month old son. I know I know... My friends are all surprised that I'm still breastfeeding him, especially during the night. And I know he is well past the age of sleeping through.

So we're trying. I was away for two nights last weekend at a Women's Conference and Dh said the baby did well without his "noonie." On Sunday night however, it was as if I hadn't been gone at all and babycakes was ready to do business as usual. Let me tell you it was no small feat to get the lil' guy down for the night. And after we did finally get him to sleep, it wasn't long before he was up frantically looking for me. It has been a real challenge to watch my otherwise gentle-natured baby pitchin' a fit all night long. Last night he was up at least 7 or 8 times.

The month before Bryant died I a did a Bible Study entitled He Speaks to Me (by Priscilla Shirer) on the life of the boy Samuel. Of the many nuggets I got from the study was another "mine" (words that just leap into my heart) passage from Psalm 131, verses 1-2

My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

There is so much going on in my life right this moment. ( In fact I just wrote several long paragraghs detailing it all. Then the computer froze and lost it.) Today is DH's and my anniversary, our first anniversary obviously since the loss of our son. We're told that there is an 80% divorce rate among parents who bury a child. So we are really working and praying and believing hard that God is able to keep us in the 20%. I won't try to recount again all the external stressors (outside of grieving for Bryant) that we face everyday, including but not limited to caring for my ill and aged father who's lived with us for the past 5 years, parenting a 17 year old and 2 toddlers, careers changes and financial concerns and... and... and...

If I didn't know what I know I might even find myself pitchin' a fit... But

"My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things to wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother
like a weaned child is my soul within me"

The fact of the matter is that TRUTH always overcomes (swallows up, conquers, defeats) reality. The reality of my life is that I don't have many answers right now to the why? the what? and the how?. But the TRUTH is that I know the One Who has ALL the ANSWERS. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, the earth is His and everything in it, He is good and kind, full of grace ( His free favor) and mercy. He has engraved me on the palm of His Hand and He has good plans for me. He is Lord and King of all. He is mine and I am His, a daughter of The King. In at least four places in the Bible there is the admonition that followers of Christ walk by our faith and not by our sight. Instead of pitchin' a fit I'm gonna trust Him. (And you wannna know what else? He would love me just the same even if I did have myself a good long fit pitchin' moment.) :-)

One day soon my little one will be able to quiet himself without his "noonie", the thing of comfort that he thinks he can't do without. He'll realize that it's time to grow, to move on to the next stage of life, that no matter what, to the best of my abilities I'm going to meet his every need.

" ...In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength... "Isaiah 30:15


Blogger MugwumpMom said...

You have an excellent perpective on so many things. Thanks for sharing it.
And happy anniversary....praying for perseverence that is rewarded with the fruit of love that grows from strength to strength for your marriage.


06 August, 2006 16:22  
Blogger PowerHouse Youth Center said...

Beyond the pain there truly is joy for this journey. I am praying for your marriage to be stronger because of the tragedy you share. With God all things are possible. I am also thankful that I "found" your blog, I can see that I will always be able to find a wise perspective here on many topics. May this be the start of a lovely "long-distance" friendship.
ps Happy anniversary and prayers for a future filled with many more.


07 August, 2006 07:30  
Blogger MugwumpMom said...

Hi again,
I just wanted to tell you that what you said in my comments about praying for people to see how much God loves them...WOW! That totally resonated with me. So powerful and yes, so true. I never saw it quite like that before and upon further checking, I see that was Paul's prayer in Ephesians...may your roots go down deep into God's love, and may you come to understand the height, depth, breadth, width and vastness of His love for you!! I believe you have found another "key" from the set of keys to the Kingdom that Jesus left for His bride!
Awesome insight. Thank you for sharing it. I'm so glad we've met!


07 August, 2006 11:48  
Blogger Shash said...

I love the TRUTH! It sets people free. The "facts" maybe one thing but the "truth" is what God says about it in His Word and His Word NEVER returns to Him void. It NEVER fails! Amazing isn't it!

11 August, 2006 20:16  

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