Saying Goodbye to Bryant, Joy for the Journey

Some thoughts on the road of healing after the loss of my 14 year old son by suicide

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Wife... Mother... Lover of Jesus... Freedom Writer!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

This World

When my boys were young I found a neat little poster in a Christian Bookstore. It had a globe picture of the world that looked as if it had been drawn with crayons. Around the picture of the world were the words "This World is Not My Home."

Underneath the picture and caption was this poem

This world is not my home
Although it seems to be,
My home is with my God
in the place He's made for me.
He's coming back real soon
the signs are very clear.
So when the trumpet sounds
I'll be outta here.

I bought and framed that poster and it hung in the boys room until we moved to our current house last year. Bryant knew that poem by heart. He recited it to me on his own several times during regular conversation.

People ask me often how I'm doing these days. Usually I give a quick, "I'm doing really well by the grace of God." Sometimes tho I have the opportunity to expound upon the goodness of The Lord through this trial.

It was just about this time last year that we found the house we now live in. It fit all the needs we had for space, location, school system, price, etc. And on the front of the house just to the left of the front door was a cute little sign attached that read "Home Sweet Home." After we wrote the contract on the house I would ride over here and put my hands on that signplate and declare that this was indeed my new home. One month later (mid October 2005) we were indeed moving into our new "home" and it was a good time.

For months after we moved in, every time I would drive into the driveway and look over at that sign I would smile. Now our house is no mansion but it is just what we needed. And I wasn't excited so much about the house as I was about the sweetness of God to provide it for us. I just felt very thankful. Then one day early this year, as I drove up to the house and looked over at the sign... and smiled, something different happened. It was as if I heard a voice inside me say, "You do know this isn't your home , don't you?"

Wow! Ouch! I stood corrected.

This world is not my home. This house is not my home. My own physical body is not even my home.

I think this is a core issue in how God has ministered to me since Bryant's home-going. It has been the issue of ownership (and of citizenship) that has brought me to acceptance of my son's death. Bryant was never mine. He belonged to the Lord. I am not mine. I was created by and for the Lord, and I was bought at a price. This earth is just a "passing thru" place for us. This is where we get the opportunity to accept or reject our Creator. This ability to choose is what makes us human (and not animal that lives strictly by instinct). This world is where we get to make a difference in the life of another, where we get to prove the reality and truth of our Unseen God, as we allow Jesus to live big in us.

I want Jesus to live big in me. I was sharing with a woman the other night about Bryant and she said, "Wow, you are so strong." I said, "Nah, but I know the One Who Is." :) The joy of the Lord truly is my strength. For some days now I have felt as tho my soul is waltzing with Jesus. This is literally how I feel. So lovely inside.

This is not the end of my story. Bryant is safe and happy and eternally secure. How can I be sad about that? This morning as we were having breakfast I stopped a moment and thought about how much I miss him. There were fond memories and a moment of sadness but it was just a moment. And then I thought about how happy he must be and that one day I'll be home with him too.

Until then I want to point as many people as I can homeward. I will tell of God's great works. Of His lovingkindness to all. I will demonstrate His goodness to the best of my ability, that is.... my availability. We are just passing thru here. There is a home in glory with the King. I will occupy until He comes or until He calls me home. I do love Him so.


Blogger MugwumpMom said...

Absolutely the truth.
My mother in law seems not long for this world, and she is very peaceful about it. And I am truly feeling happy for her. Sure, I will miss her, but somehow there is a reassurance that while it will hurt to see her go, this will be superceded by an almost envying kind of joy.

14 September, 2006 20:05  

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